Monday, August 3, 2009

Happenings


So Fat


I suppose it's time I actually wrote on my blog like most people seem to do....
And write openly about myself, a difficult task...
I'm not sure how to tell people what's been going on in my life in the past weeks, but maybe if I write about it some it will at least help me. Nelson and I are not staying together. Which is probably a surprise to a few people. I'm sitting here, looking around at all this stuff that we've seemed to have collected over the past years, and it's just impossible to seperate what is 'mine.' How do you separate your past from today, this minute. Eventually it will just sort of fade, like so many relationships, feelings, and ideas seem to...
I'm trying to follow some of the best advice I was given in my life (embrace it), because in truth that's all I can do. And sometimes it works, but my mind is such a mess. I decide every day that I can just be happy, accept that my life is changing in such a huge way, but then I just fall into depression, or desperation, or some other sort of pain. Every hour is a struggle.
Luckily, there seem to be people in my life that truly care about me. Of course, typical of me, I haven't yet told some important people. It's hard to start talking about this sort of thing. But I know the sort of pain I've been going through can make bonds stronger, bring people together. Which it certainly has, with one person in particular. For that I feel so grateful. I don't know what I would have done, or would do, without that love.
There's no anger between Nelson and I, which is wonderful. But that also makes it harder. It's so much easier if you're angry to want to be apart from someone, to want to jump into a different life. And the love between us is very powerful, as I'm sure it always will be, if my future follows the path of my past.
One of the worst things about all of this is that Nelson and I have made other people uncomfortable and unhappy (and disappointed maybe). That, of course, was never, and would never be, an intention of either of us.
I'm so so sad that this part of my life is ending; it was truly wonderful.

5 comments:

The Joyful Fool said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Joyful Fool said...

such is the life of the lackeys... to see with eyes unclouded by hate...

time-travelling lackey said...

Oh, Jayme, we all love you so much! You two are such wonderful people, and this was hard for all of us to ever imagine as we've known you for these two or so years. Don't worry about the wonderful times fading away into memory... They're always going to be there--and you know you have awesome excellent times ahead! Sorry for blabbing-you are like family, we are here for you!

amy said...

Don't worry Jayme, we all support you- we always will, no matter where it is we all go. Life is a state of constant change. Don't you worry about going with what feels right. We all love you more than we can say.

Lucie Roberts said...

It feels so strange and sad, but the Lackeys will stay strong! We all love you and I want you and Nelson to be happy! Change is hard but there is goodness in the future. We all love you!